Teh Funnies

When the creative juices run dry and yet you feel there should be something to show for all the time you'd been wasting on the web.

Like pondering over this.

“If a tree falls on the Really Big Button in the forest when nobody is there, does it do something?”

This is the ultimate take on the theory of perceived existence. Which combines two of the greatest conundrums of modern times, namely this and this. And by the way, how cool is uncyclopedia? I just can't get over their whacky sense of humor satire on this article, and practically every article of theirs. Jonathan Huang and "Stillwaters", I bow to thee.

In a quirk of serendipity I stumbled on Mr. Lan Bui's fickr photostream. And came across this beauty. Priceless.

Source

And finally, found some ten-year-old funny quotes that are still relevant today.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
--Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries to go with that?"
--Jay Leno
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. The next morning, buy it back for seventy-five cents.
--William Coronel
The No. 1 sign that you have ODed on the web...
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
--Anon

I've loved these days

A good Sunday is one that starts with a benign hangover. Like today. I woke up with a dull head full of bad beer. Been to a wrong kind of party last evening, where the tandoori chicken was cold and the beer was lukewarm. The dance floor, it had all manners of riffraff thrown into a 30'x 30' space. There, you get the picture, so I won't dwell on it.

As a result of which, this morning. Has anybody ever tried swimming to cure a hangover? In my case it was less an act of experimentation and more of compulsion. My ten-year-old dragged me to the pool. Given that I'm a swimmer of repute and my jig involves covering the breadth of the pool on the shallower side swiftly with clumsy strokes, (never get into more than five feet of water, that's the secret of my long and successful career) I thought the water that usually gets in my nose should clear out the old sinus and take care of the heavy head. It didn't exactly turn out that way, but the idea should not be written off. I'd recommend more trials of the method, when need arises.

Coming back to this here Sunday. A Sunday morning should be ideally spent doing nothing. Now, doing nothing is serious stuff, never to be underestimated. Within permissible limits, one can watch television, preferably off news related programming. One can casually read the Sunday papers, without much attention and comprehension. Reading a book would be an automatic disqualifier. My brand of doing nothing involves something like watching the daughter play Dinner Dash 2 from a distance while trying to read a Sunday supplement and advising her on strategy to cross level 12. Top that.

A school buddy calls long distance. No, make them two. One calls, the other speaks. Rajib the hot shot consultant, has been given a Blackberry by his firm, Indranil the pathologist reports on the said berry. (Actually these buggers are in a Sunday adda session with other friends, in another school buddy's smallish flat. Six-seven grown up people, who get endless rounds of tea and fries from the hostess without gratitude. They openly criticize her cooking. Seema, with amazing grace, never gets mad. She just threatens murder sometimes. These lucky sods! There had been times when I got up early on a Sunday and drove 300 Kilometers to join them.)

I've never really wanted a Blackberry myself , but these are moments to be properly envious and sarcastic, so I manage "A black berry at his age? Let's see, so how many years to go before he gets the blue berry? And the red ?" Rajib : "Very funny. Now store this number on your strawberry, for it will be my number as long as I stay with PWC." Me : " Until you move up to PWD?" Sweet badinage. Round one, a tie.

On a beautiful decadent morning like this, I hear Billy Joel.

Like only he can write :

We light our lamps for atmosphere,
And hang our hopes on chandeliers.
We're going wrong, we're gaining weight,
We're sleeping long and far too late.
And so it's time to change our ways …
But I've loved these days.

(Yawn)..Sleepy again after breakfast. See you after this nap.

P.S. In other news, I've finished Namesake in a record nine months time. Now I've started 3 mistakes which I hear is a real page-turner, so I hope to finish it in a month or two. People have writer's block. I got a reader's block.
P.S 2. Oh that Vodka, I forgot. Great drink. Recommended by a great man. Ooh, I am smelling apples already. Time to fix me an Applebottom Pimp before lunch.

Weekend audio

This weekend is for easy listening. This weekend is for nostalgia. I'm listening to perhaps the best duet of Kishore-Asha ever to have come out of the Laxmikant-Pyarelal factory. Film : Bandish (1980). So forceful and full-bodied. A simple, no-frills tune. Pedestrian lyrics. Not Bakshi Sahab's best. Just Kishoreda giving it his all in D-sharp. When he goes in full bloom, inane lines like " bahano ko chhodo, bahana bana do" sounds like Pulitzer winning stuff.

Words, words,words

I've recently taken issue with certain words that have come to represent the uber-chic of today. Given that I'm quite the philistine when it comes to high fashion, and the swinging high life in general, my point of view must not be taken seriously.

1. Ombre' Source

n. A French term meaning "shaded." Usually a multicolored stripe, with colors graduating from light to dark. The color effect is woven into the fabric. Generally produced by arranging different tones in the warp.

That doesn't even begin to convey the madness associated with it. How many times have we seen a halfway decent design idea stifled by overkill and a little French? Besides, what's so original about that light to dark theme in the first place, I ask? In Kolkata, in the early eighties, everybody and there uncles were wearing "loadshedding shirts", so ingeniously named after the ethos of the times ( loadshedding meaning powercuts) in which the light used to slowly go out top downwards. Exactly like the ombre' of today. I had one such beauty in red, though I don't have pics to show, alas!

And while we dwell on this, I have something else to ask. Does the repetitive ombre' also qualify? I mean I've had this shirt for some time, which I sparingly wear because I suspect it's too flashy, has it now fallen into the HOT category?


I really need to know. That shirt cost an obscene amount by my standards. I would love to save it from mothballs.

2. Bling

source

Def: Preity's necklace is bling. I have it on good authority.

Now here's a potent word. Can be used as one-off or in repetition (bling-bling), as a noun, or a verb (maybe adjective even, though I haven't come across that usage.) While this is otherwise a good strong word, what intrigues me is why something which makes an ejaculating sound should be used to describe gaudy jewelery. Nah, I'll discount that joke about mother explaining to kid how she gets her jewelry. Really, who needed another slang for funky tinsel when worthier candidates like himbo and farticle are begging for induction?

3.Bicurious

I love the word "bicurious". I also love Shah Rukh Khan. Yes, I know that'll take some explaining, so please read on. I think SRK is a master of repartees. A coupla years ago, when someone asked him "Are you metrosexual?" he replied, "No, I'm just sexual." A coupla months ago some intrepid scribe hinted " Are you bisexual?" he retorted " No, I'm Trisexual. I keep trying." (Laugh tracks)


Source

But I'm still curious. I'm bicurious. No, not in THAT way, the horror! (I'm completely, what's the word now? 'heterorigid '; and I want to stay that way, thanks very much) I'm just curious to know if certain people are bi. Like, say, SRK and Karan. Like, say SRK and that Ramphal dude now. Just curious, y'know.

There, I've said it. I'll now prepare for the worst. Possibly libel action, maybe death threats. I'm afraid. Very afraid.

4. Trapeze


Source

A beautiful word that evokes visions of scantily clad beauties flying high in the air. Curse on those fashionistas of today who have brought it to denote tent-like billowing cuts suited particularly for mid-heavy women and expecting mothers. Need I say more? O irony, how cruel can thou get?

I had a few more of them on my mind but seem to have lost steam. Contributions from my two-and-a-half readers will be greatly appreciated.

A Streetcar Named Desire


All of this last week, in Kolkata, we revisited with bitterness that feeling of constantly walking in water. A mere 300 kilometers away, our sleepy Industrial township has summers when, if you happen to go out in the sun in late morning or mid-afternoon, in all probability you'll catch the loo (not what you think/ plis check out the link) and peacefully drop down and die. On the other hand, if you can mostly stay in the shade and have something cool to drink you'll be fine. Not so in Kolkata. There, thirty seconds outside air-conditioning can get you so wet the sweat will get into your eyes. BTW, I saw the same thing happening to Dhoni in Chennai the other evening. (T20 can be a cruel game, Charlie Brown.)

One evening, while coming back from hospital after visiting a post-surgery uncle, we met this creature.


We had to walk a few hundred yards home, and it was starting to pitter patter. So we hailed, and he did oblige. We sat, he pedaled. His rickshaw was a pleasure vehicle. The seats were low-slung, wider, softer and the hood, when raised, would allow you to sit straight even if you weren't a dwarf. As opposed to your house and garden variety rickshaws in a Kolkata neighborhood. Man was the ride way comphier than any other pedicab! And that peekaboo window at the back, so romantic! Before you raise your hands and holler, yes, the photo was taken the morning after. Be coming back to that.

We reached home and had to alight. Could've gone on for miles y'know. Radio Mirchi was playing Tashan Se on the rickshaw's sound system. We asked him how much. Just being polite. We Knew the fare. He said, "Ja Ichhchhey Diye Din" (Whatever you dim right) "Aar to ei sapta-ta achhi. Next week theke ar amake paben na." (You won't find me here next week on)
"Why? Is anything the matter?"
No. Apparently the Bangla Cinema-r lok-ra had come and talked him into working in a film, so he'd be busy with shooting and all.
The missus, cruel woman, still asked, was it your special pedicab, or yourself, that got them so interested? The man replied mischievously, both, Boudi, both. Thus ended an enjoyable evening of rickshaw-riding. I remember inquiring after the Director and Producer of his debut feature. Only he wasn't into those unimportant details. And how did the Bangla Cinema-r lok find him? Oh, they must have read his interviews in Bartaman and watched him on Tara Bangla.
We nodded in awe, and silently entered home. Us ordinary mortals, with the distinct feeling of having peeked into celebrity zone.

But the slow fluorescence kept itself flickering in my head. By next morn I had seen light. This man had to be put on yonder blog. I went to the rickshaw stand he plied from. He was out, So I had to leave a message and a number. Within minutes, a missed call. I called back, asked him to wait, and went fortified with my camera. I hope this video does justice to the cosiness of the rickshaw, resplendent with all sorts of blinking lights, and belting out chartbusters one after another.




One final nugget. While parting, I offered the fellow a twenty. Compensation for time spent, lost fare and all. I might have taken, like, fifteen minutes of his time. Surprisingly, while he was indifferent about fare earlier on, this time he practically snatched away another fifty with a smile and all the charm of a smooth operator. I was awestruck once again. This man clearly had star quality. He already knew the market economics of interviews and photo shoots. He also knew where real money was for the making. Maybe all these media people have got him wizened up.

Shooting starts on 29th. Wish Ashok-da all the very best.

Sitemeter Blues

Looks like it was not such a hot idea writing that piece on litti-chokha. Though whatever little traffic I get on this page is more than welcome, it's not a very amusing thought that gentlemen from Turkey and Israel should land up here from google searches for litti-porno and naynon porn. What in the world are these deviant forms of entertainment they're seeking, I wonder? Among these two, the second chap has paid me a visit twice, the first visit being weeks ago. Bloke sure seems to be earnest and desperate. I can't, for the life of me, figure out what have I done to deserve this special favor from m/s google. The fun, per se, hasn't yet started on my blog. Not that I don't think of giving it a go sometimes. Anyway, I wish the Turkman all the very best. May he find what he's looking for. And when he does, he should send over some of the stuff.

In the same context, I feel sorry for the person who just alighted here from a search for "Ghee manufacturers in Bihar". None of your fault, dude. Happens all the time with these wicked search engines.

Google Adsense, in the meantime, has proved to possesses a great sense of humor. They're frequently splashing their space with exiting lines like " Ultimate Potato Peeling Solutions" and "Are you watching your cholesterol?" BTW, does anybody know how I can claim from them the sixpence that's so rightfully mine thru' all these adverts? Last I heard, one needs to have a social security no. in Amreeka to make that claim. Any hope for us desi Desis, anyone?

Mujer de mi hermano,La

Does eating exactly 20 grapes for breakfast make you radiant and succulent like Barbara Mori? Must it take an impotent man to be cold in what is obviously a heated pool at night with his horny young wife, who has recently rediscovered her sexuality through an adulterous affair? Can fornicating only on Saturday nights raise your ying or something? Isn't it odd that “Soy alérgico a los peces” is an expression you learn early in Spanish classes? (Is it a genetic thing in the Hispanic race which makes them largely allergic to fish?) Why should the walls in the master bedroom of a wealthy entrepreneur (where much of the action take place) look like the walls of a warehouse? What will make a man piss in the pool in his older brother's home after having sex with the brother's wife?

A barrage of such questions, and more, raced through my mind as I sat watching La Mujer De Mi Hermano . And Peanuts man that I am, I was like " no,yes,no,yes,maybe, what do I care?" Y'know, Peppermint Patty and Sally Brown rolled into one.
It's a bit late in the day writing some review for a three-year-old film. But some things just have to be done and be away with. Ever since I heard of barbara Mori and utubed her, I'd been looking for her much talked about bona fide movie debut. Then, they say, if you really really want something, the whole universe, and the torrent networks, will come together to get it for you. They are right. So I've had the film on my hard disk about a month now but since I waste so much time moonlighting on other peoples' blogs, I could finish watching it only this evening.

With a title like My Brother's Woman, can you expect anything more than an arty skin flick? Does the film raise profound ghosts on subjects of Catholicism, abortion, homosexuality? Is the backdrop of a Latin American society and their family values essential to the narrative? Have I ever seen an issue like sibling homosexual exploitation being brought out in a movie? Is there any other surprise in the storyline? Did the predictable ending disappoint? Does the film work, as any sort of meaningful cinema?

Why not, yes, very much, nope, none, no, and yes, sort of.

And finally, does Barbara Mori rock? Am I fan now? Am I looking for her other films too? Do I think casting her in Kites was a good idea?

YESSSSS! Yes,yes and I don't think so.

While finishing, the best piece of dialogue : ( On the morning after)

Zoe's gay friend : For the love of God! Wipe that guilty look off your face. I wish I woke up with something to feeI guilty about.

Zoe( Mori) : Look at how he left, that is--
ZGF : Who cares how he left? What matters is how you came.

Stupendous! Four stars.

I mean business

I have since long had this business plan. Last night I was reading Naren's groundbreaking business plans which started giving me ideas, and in no time I was climbing up the shelves and dusting off this old DPR volume. I've also posted the gist on his comment space. But that doesn't make it his intellectual property now, does it? Feel free to steal, only after paying me my finder's fees, a paltry fifty grands (greenbacks, silly),plus taxes.

Let me, at the outset, clarify that I do not hail from the illustrated state of Bihar. But I've lived in the vicinity long enough to have tasted, on many occasions, a Bihari delicacy called litti-chokha. Recipe here.

Pic source : foodieshope.blogspot.com

I'm sure the downmarket version one may also notice as street food in many big city ghettoes of India infested by Raj Thackerey's favorite cousins. Do note that it makes for an uber-healthy, wholesome vegetarian meal. It can also be made completely cholesterol-free by making the ghee(clarified butter) dip optional.(won't taste the same, of course)

So, here's my business plan :

Product : Microwavable designer litti-chokha

Product description : Spicy baked doughballs in dip(ghee optional) with assorted veggie mishmash

Suggested Brand name : Choklittoes

USP : Wholesome nutrition of wheat grain cereals, gram and assorted vegetables in designer ready-to-eat packaging.

Designer logo : A piece of sal leaf laminated into the wrapper ( OK OK so I borrowed that one)

Target customer : 1. Health and style conscious professional who needs to make a statement with the workaday lunch he eats, preferably in the company of peers.
2. Sucker.

Retail Price : $ 19.95 for a pack of two doughballs with mishmash and dip(ghee optional : packs containing ghee dip will cost $24.95).

Manufacturing : Sourced from Bhojpuri designer litti company of Chhapra, Bihar@ $19.95 per 100-pack carton

Quality Policy : Will tell the Bhojpuri fellows....forget it, they invented quality, right?

Apart from the obvious profitability of the proposition, it will also generate a good deal of employment locally, and hopefully ease some irritation off the Mumbaikar's mind. I'm sure the scheme will find instant support from Nitish Kumar and Laluji.

There's one small catch. Unlike in Guangzhou, China, they do not have an existing facility for every manufacturing need at Chhapra. A small investment of $10000 will be needed to help the chaps set up their packaging unit. Which will pay itself back in a matter of weeks, of course.

Since you people seem to hobnob with a number of VCs, would you consider selling the plan to one of them, for a handsome 2% of the profits?